SHANDY TIMES

A somewhat amusing piss-take of The Life and Opinion of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman | Chapter 1.IV.  | L Sterne

Tristram Goes Publik for Point Clearing!

Fig1: Walter Shandy indicates the area in need
of clearing for brother Toby Shandy [9]

In the opening chapters to his startlingly voluminous and verbose biography, Tristram Shandy – via his biographer Laurence Stern’s liberal use of mimesistic verisimilitude – could possibly have inadvertently (or indeed quite advertently) let slip a pedigree that may not be what is typically assumed. By the descriptions of his conception and birth and the frequency with which he makes mention of a certain avuncular relation, Tristram divulges the “small anecdote known only in [his] family” that reveals the true wearer of the suit of paternity – without a doubt should this account have been told four centuries hence, a scientific examination of more than the animal spirits ought be called for. [1]  

Remember! Remember! The 5th of November

Let us interrogate Shandy’s twice removed disclosures: in Chapter 1.IV Shandy alleges that he “was begot” in the early days of March.[2] In the next enthralling Chapter 1.V we are told that Tristram’s arrival into this “scurvy and disastrous world” is in actual fact dated at the 5th ofNovember.[3] If Tristram was brought forth a full forty weeks from the purported date of conception, he should have in all truth arrived somewhat closer to the celebration of the Nativity.[4] In short, Shandy’s arrival was suspiciously untimely. “As near as nine kalender months as any husband could in reason have expected’ – Indeed Sir! It is glaringly obvious to the discerning reader that Tristram was in fact conceived in mid-February, and as we are made aware at the end of Chapter 1.IV, during the winter months “December, January, and February” Walter Shandy was “all that time afflicted with a sciatica.” This is to say as it were, he was not up to the job.[5] 

Who’s the Daddy?

Fig1: An intersting but untimately pointless chart

I put it to you Dear Reader that it be none other than the man mentioned 23% more often throughout this circumlocutory biography than Tristram’s own father Walter – Tristram’s uncle and Walter’s brother Toby Shandy – repetitively yet credibly erroneously referred to throughout as Uncle Toby.  23% more? Really? Yes – I counted. Just have a look at that gorgeous pie chart over there on your right. Not the Pacman one. [6] Given that Tristram is ostensibly recounting the particulars of his life and opinions, he devotes an inordinate measure of time to a gentleman from whom he is for all intents and purposes, not directly descended. It is evidently the subject foremost in his mind and Tristram must either be subconsciously exposing or consciously encoding it for the more keenly observant amongst those “readers in the world – who [would be] let into the whole secret...”. [7]

Fig2: Another interesting but ultimately pointless chart.

The tick-tock of a cuckolded clock!

Further compounding the case, Tristram previously acknowledged full comprehension of his actual progenitor’s identity in Chapter 1.III, whereupon he proclaims that to his “uncle Mr. Toby Shandy do I stand indebted for the preceding anecdote...” To be sure, Tristram obscures his claims in the context of Uncle Toby relating the manner of his time-affected conception as recounted to him by his brother Walter. And yet, within that epigrammatic chapter is this tableau described, in which the father sorrowfully expresses dismay at the son’s obliquity. [8] "That I should neither think nor act like any other man's child: But alas!... My Tristram's misfortunes began nine months before ever he came into the world." (Ch. 1.III) To this the mother pretends ignorance, “knowing no more than her backside” but the uncle understands very well – what is this scene if not a plausible nod and a wink between co-conspirators?  Given the brevity of this stunted digest, it is thus with sweet sorrow Dear Reader that needs must conclude our interrogation, for while there are copious chapters of deceit encoded by Messer’s Shandy and Sterne, we do not have the space to dedicate herein. Meantimes, what are we to take from this cuckoo parable? Tick tock the cuckolded clock – watch where you leave your cock.

Footnotes (you should actually read this bit. It's funny too.)

1.  This “small anecdote” forms the somewhat prolix Chapter 1.IV (Sterene, n.d.)

Fig 3: A fancy word cloud cock of all the words in Chapter 1: IV
which again, doesn't mean anything really but it looks nice.

2.  We are then un/reliably informed  that Tristram’s father Walter noted in his pocketbook his removal  from the paternal home on the 25th of Shandy’s birth month, which he says is Lady Day, and did not return until the following May. But are you cognisant within which month does Lady Day fall? For those ignorant of important liturgical calendar events, Lady Day is that day on which the Feast of the Annunciation is celebrated – which is to say that day that all good Christians observe Gabriel’s angelic visit to the Virgin Mary, graciously leaving her miraculously gravid. It falls in March. (BBC.co.uk, 2015)

3.  The 5th of November 1605 - Guy Fawkes Day

4. Forty weeks is not equal to nine months (Thomas, 2015)

5. Gerd Bayer, 2011

6. 938 mentions of Walter Shandy deducted from 1140 mentions of Uncle Toby; divided by 928 multiplied by 100, gives a difference of 23 percent. Really.

7.  Ch.1.IV (Sterne n.d.)

8. Obliquity has a number of curious meanings all equally relevant in this matter, from those physical: celestial, botanical and directional – to the behavioural: perversity, indirect conduct or speech and deviation from order. (OED.com 2015)

9. As depicted by Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon.(Tristram Shandy:A Cock and Bull Story 2005)

10. This is just by the by the fill space, but isn’t it interesting to note that Trsitram was born just days before Voltaire premiered his first play Oedipus, using his new pseudonym for the first time? No? Oh, I thought it was. There you go. 

References

Bayer, G. (2011). A Cuckolding Source for Tristram's Clock. Notes and Queries, 58(3), pp.419-422.

Bbc.co.uk, (2015). BBC - Religions - Christianity: The Feast of the Annunciation. [online]at:http://www.bbc.co.uk/religi on/religions/christianity/holydays/ann unciation.shtml 

Ioniţă, M. (2010). “Lost in the meantime”. Tristram Shandy and Deleuzian Stuttering. Orbis Litterarum, 65(6), pp.497-515.

Lupton, C. (2003). Tristram Shandy, David Hume, and EpistemologicalFiction. Philosophy and Literature, 27(1), pp.98-115.

Oed.com, (2015). obliquity, n. : Oxford English Dictionary. 

Sterne, L. (n.d.). The life and opinions of Tristram Shandy, gentleman. Champaign, Ill.: Project Gutenberg.

Telegraph.co.uk, (2015). Steve Coogan's characters in pictures. [online]at:http://www.telegraph.co.uk/ news/picturegalleries/celebritynews/8 906764/Steve-Coogans-characters-inpictures.html?image=13 

Thomas, D. (2015).PregnancyDue Date Calculator|Patient.co.uk. [online]Patient.co.uk. at: http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/preg nancy-obstetric-calculator

Winterbottom, Michael, (dir.) Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story. (2005).